Maggie May’s guest post reminds me of all the fights I’ve had with my kids based on principle. There is such a thing as an on principle argument and once you’ve pressed that button and once you’ve made your on principle point, it’s very tough going back. I said you can’t take those earrings off. Why? Because we spent money on them. You wanted to buy them. You wear them.
Like last night with my kid. I said you have five minutes outside to play basketball, and now it’s been five minutes, and those five minutes are up. “One more minute, Mom? I had that shot and then the ball rolled and then I cut my finger…” Fireflies lit up the night as my son negotiated one more minute of basketball. But there were no more minutes. I had 16 one more minutes yesterday and he was out of one more minutes. A bananas-level tantrum ensued.
I’ve read books like “The Explosive Child” where author Ross W. Greene instructs you pick your battles. What if your battle is an on principle battle? What if you’ve had enough negotiations? Isn’t so much of child rearing this way — at least the good kind? My father never picked battles with me! If I wasn’t outside of someone’s house when he came to pick me up–poof, he was gone. That was it. You didn’t negotiate. You just did what you were told or you and your skinny ass hoofed it home. But that kind of parenting is militant and isolating. It taught me to obey, but not necessarily to respect.
So I’m picking battles. And neighbors of my community, if you hear me during one of these battles, please know I’m doing it with purpose.
Bullshit and Blasphemy
June 29, 2011
Yes, because I’m sure that girl will respect her mother much more because she wasn’t allowed to take her painful seven dollar earrings off.
I understand having a meltdown and fighting about things ‘on principle’ , it happens to everyone. But don’t kid yourself into thinking that having a meltdown is ever the right thing to do.
Hayley Krischer
June 29, 2011
@bullshit and blasphemy
First, I commend Maggie for being honest about the situation – a lot of people might try to hide that sort of interaction and not write about it in such an open manner. The other truth here that has to be addressed is that Maggie also has a 6 month old which means she is postpartum, and there are actual hormonal imbalances that are dictating her mood. With that said– you don’t have to be postpartum to have a meltdown with your kid, which is why I wrote my story above. Dealing with your children is a delicate balance–you strive for a teachable moment but sometimes you just don’t get there (see my example about teachable moments at 4 a.m.).
What I realized most about my own parents –once I had kids of my own–was that even though they made mistakes, they’re just human. And hey, I turned out to be a decent person. (Or so my paid help tells me.) I hope that anyone coming to this site can see that we’re dealing with parenthood without judgement.
RottenMom
June 29, 2011
To know Maggie is to love her. I respect her for always being honest and for never sugarcoating the tough times. I think we’ve all been there at some point and can relate in some way to Maggie’s story of the wedding and the earrings. Though I probably would not have chosen to have a teachable moment over a pair of earrings, I have certainly had my share of meltdowns over seemingly small issues. Maggie’s daughter surely knows how much her mother loves her.
Hayley Krischer
June 29, 2011
Rotten Mom (Love your tag, by the way) thanks for commenting. I think you never know when these wow-maybe-this-is-not-a-teachable-moment moments come up. I find it the most difficult to “un” take a stand. How do I say – okay, you know what? I’ve changed my mind. You can play your DS even though I told you no more DS for the rest of the week. Or you can take off those earrings, even though we didn’t have the money to spend on them in the first place. Sometimes I fear that my kids will think I’m caving to their demands if I acquiesce. Sometimes it’s just about being honest with them in the moment. “Okay, I thought about it and I changed my mind.”
maggie may
June 30, 2011
The discussion doesn’t bother me. I put myself out there and obviously some are going to have opinions that are uncomfortable for me, but I’m glad they are reading! I don’t think what I did was scarring to my daughter, I think it was worse for me! I embarrassed myself as an adult, and apologized to her later. It wasn’t so much that I insisted that bothers me, it was HOW I did it.