An Open Letter To Jennifer Aniston On Relationships and Narcissists

Posted on July 26, 2011 by

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Jennifer Aniston Justin Theroux

Dear Jen,

Hey! I’m so glad you are finally dating a man who seems like he’s your equal. He ain’t above you. He ain’t below you. (Well, only when you want him to be.) He ain’t some guy who you took off your panties for because he made you laugh. This guy Justin Theroux has a hard core bod (just like you, and we know that’s important to you), has that chisled look that we know you like, and according to US Weekly already wants to house hunt with you. This I like.

I want someone who is going to be crazy about you! Not another narcissist. You don’t need this… but you know this already. You know what those kinds of people do to you. They put you up on a pedestal. They tell you how great your tits are. They say they want to go to the Oscars. And then in the moment you’re down–the moment they’re angry about something small like someone poking fun of their stupid music or movie on Twitter, or wondering why you didn’t tell them “I love you” 500 times that day–they flip on you. It’s all your fault. How could you. This is what they say, right? I’ve met narcissists. I’ve been involved with them. Jen. You must have narcissist radar by now.

This guy reminds me of Brad. But without the superstar baggage. This Justin Theroux is a character actor. Maybe I’m wrong, but he doesn’t look like a leading man. With these leading men come very big egos. Unless you’re Paul Newman, how do you keep this ego in check? Newman kept his in check with an intellectual woman–not the hottest in Hollywood, no!

Can I say one last thing, Jen? Don’t rush off and make babies. Don’t succumb to the pressure. I love that you’ve stuck it out without adopting just for the sake of everyone saying how good you are with kids. (I imagine people tell you this.) I love that your body is your temple and that  you go on girls trips with Chelsea Handler. Jen, we wouldn’t even be so worried about you, except that Jon Mayer thing really scared all of us. And of course there were all those Vanity Fair articles. I also have issues with ex’s and I only chat about them on my blog. Please swear never to talk about Brad and Angie again, okay?

Anyway, mazel tov on Justin Theroux. You’re having the sex we all wished we were having. And instead of being jealous of your hair, or your body, like we all have been for almost two decades now, we’re now jealous of your SEX LIFE. Because holy heavens, I saw him in Charlie’s Angels–and haven’t forgotten.

Life after divorce? I’m here to tell ya.

xo, Hayley