Internet Dating Gone Wrong Part 3: Green Singles

Green Singles is a wild, wild west dating site. Green Singles, true to the obvious hint in the name, is  filled with groovy men and women looking to connect over a shared love of the environment and everything gentle and peaceful. Sounded like the place for me. I fancied myself evolved to the point of never using a paper towel again and composting every last banana peel. I had stopped using harsh cleaners and found a place to get my hair dyed with organic dye. What more could there be to being the greenist shade of greenie-green?

My stint on Green Singles was right after I became single for the first time since I was 21. My separation fresh, the loss of my ex and his family still raw. In that altered state,  I was sure I had figured out what I needed in a partner. I was positive I’d done all the ‘work’ I needed to do. I understood myself and was ready to enter a healthy relationship. I know, who would admit such a ludicrous thing? I would,  with the intention of helping our readers avoid such embarrassment. Please, read on so, you don’t fall victim to yourself.

I tried other sites after Green Singles, read my parts 1 & 2 in internet dating gone wrong about the JDate Widow and looking for intimacy over Chinese food.

In that state of hubris, smarting pain and with determination not to let a little thing like divorce and co-parenting get me down, I joined Green Singles.

I scrolled through profile after profile. I never looked at the women because why look at beautiful pictures of younger women with Ph.D.’s in field biology when I could look at men with with Ph.D.’s in field biology?  The real reason was I did not want to psych myself out. If I looked too far into the cadre of women, I would never have had the chutzpah to put myself out there. I preferred to stay ignorant rather than defeated. I still believe that is a good strategy.

Green Singles members are not vetted in any way. They need not go through a questionnaire about their likes and dislikes. They are allowed to write their own. That sounded like the place for me. Because I’m not one for taking directions or having anyone else lead in things emotional.

I wrote about seeking an equal relationship. I wrote about my love of the outdoors. I did not admit to my phobia of the minuscule deer tick. I did not mention my newly acquired altitude sickness. I did not include my aversion to direct sunlight and my obsessive use of sunscreen. No, I made myself sound like a recycling, mountain scaling, Galapagos island turtle swimming, adventuring, globe trotting babe. Beneath that load of horseshit, I uploaded a picture of me in jean shorts, a worn out Grateful Dead t-shirt and Ray Bans, longish hair loose, standing casually beside a borrowed kayak.

I guess I misrepresented myself, as in lied. I don’t like to admit that. I like to think of this admission of an example of how much I’ve grown.

I believed back then, when Green Singles seemed like a home for my iconoclastic psyche, that I could be all those things with the right partner. I know, that sounds so juvenile. It was. I was seeking a partner. And if that meant I would have to get a sunburn and Lyme disease, so be it.

Hopefully before you commit to somebody you’ve misrepresented yourself to, you admit to such. Hopefully.

Green Singles are free to communicate immediately. There are no steps and answers before open communication can happen. Instant gratification is addictive. I could have three or four green-singles vying for my mother-earth-loving-ass at one time. I liked that too.

But there was a disconnect. I had nothing in common with the men I was flirting-green with. I leave lights on and have no qualms turing my heat on in July. These strangers lived off the grid, they prided themselves on growing every ounce of food they allowed to pass into their ferociously  healthy bodies.

None of that mattered. I wasn’t really looking for a partner. I made sure that I played inside an arena where a real connection had no chance of occuring. On a practical level, if a mountain man descended to visit, I’d have to ascend to visit him. And I would have my pukie altitude thing happen. Not terribly sexy green.

What mattered was the buzz of connecting no matter how pretend, unreal and imaginary. When we are lonely and hurting, anything feels better than nothing. I did a lot not to cry. Not to feel the ouch of my divorce. Green Singles was one of the corners I tried to escape into.