I have an idea for a new show: Woman Vs Food. The Travel Channel’s Man Vs Food goes around the country being challenged to eat gross, as in large, amounts of food. If he manages to eat the food he is given a plaque or a tee-shirt or more food. The food he is challenged to eat is usually filled with melty fatty goodness. During this holiday season I have begun to practice for my upcoming pilot: Woman Vs Food. The Woman Vs Food version won’t be all Gwenyth and healthy. It’ll be just as artery clogging, doughy face making as Man Vs Food. I will sit at tables with platters of coleslaw bogged down by mayonnaise and hills of ribs propped up by sausages. All of which I will eat in one sitting. I will be able to do this because I am in training. Read on:
Eggnog in granola was Monday morning. But last night, the first night of Hanukkah, I got serious. I began eight nights of latkes. Sour cream and goblets (my friend Suzanne’s word for wineglass) of red wine. I inhaled stuffed grape leaves and most of a cookie platter. This a.m, a bit woozy from red wine last night, I settled my tummy with a muffin. Starving after spin class I woofed down a tuna melt, intended to ignore the fries, but ate one and then another and found that they tasted delicious wedged into the tuna melt.
In our years of living in a town with very few Jews, Gabe has made it his mission to educate his friends in the deliciousness of the latke. Night after night for eight nights, every year, he makes latkes. His friends arrive in droves to eat. We go through bottles of olive oil and the house smells like a deep fryer.
And moments ago, I found peppermint bark candy in my daughter’s lunch box. Somebody brought little baggies tied with red ribbon to school. It was delicious stuff. This eating thing has just begun. We’ve got Christmas coming and cannolis from an Italian bakery in Gloucester. After the cannolis and lamb and shrimp cocktail of Christmas will be New Year’s Eve; one big fondue, chocolate fountain, champagne swilling fest. So grab a bib and pull up a chair!
What do you think? Is primetime ready for a show where a woman’s job is to eat until she nearly explodes? And her job is not to sell a diet plan.Her job is Woman VS Food!