Dysfunctional Family: 101

My mother had hung up frustrated that I hadn’t been effusive. And I hung up frustrated that she had called expecting me to be.
Oh man, I so hear that. It is so beyond frustrating to be expected to follow a script based on how what you put out there is going to make someone else feel, even when it’s not about them at all. I struggle with that so much with my family. Like, why is my every feeling somehow about you? Can’t I just be down if I’m down? I don’t owe everyone Smiling Suzy 24/7, and I don’t expect that from other people. Be free to be you and me, right?

That’s MY mother you’re tailing about!

oops, that should read “talking.”

This is so beautiful, and I know I shouldn’t pull the dead-mother card, but there you go, I just did(!) I love how enmeshed you are and wonder if you were thinking that when you chose the illustration – I wouldn’t say that’s dysfunctional, I’d say that trunk and those roots are mutually beneficial.

emmeshed is one of those funny concepts– in therapy world it’s not considered a good thing. but in connected living keeping each other’s tentacles from tangling seems counter-human-behavior. to me. the individualistic culture we live in is particulalry down on the emmeshed-thing. look at extended families living in one house or house after house in different cultures…i don’t know….maybe those families offer the extra inter-genearation support to raise families and keep young parents, older parents and children a bit more sane… maybe they talk to each other rather than therapists?!? the loss of extended families with the industrialization in the US created a landscape that narrowed our interactions and for many eliminated the potential support of extended family. the malaise of the housewife was one of many mental health issues that saw its inception around the same time as suburbia, another outgrowth of the industrialization of the US. the malaise was not new but the isolation accompanying the malaise was – so maybe we can take emmeshed off the thereapy no-no list. maybe we should make it a goal of the healthy family. just kidding. relax. relax.

We are enmeshed with you in talking about this – and I’m glad that you brought it up so that we can have this discussion. I think putting on a good “face” is sometimes what we do simply just to cope. It’s also okay to bitch and moan, even if there’s nothing to be done for it. (Just don’t bitch and moan to my husband, ahem. Or my therapist. Double ahem. Though my husband will give you a back rub and my therapist will prescribe some drugs. So those are always good things…)