I got married few months ago. I told my husband about my past before we got engaged; I was having affair which lasted 3yrs. I had gotten physical with that guy, and I told this truth to my husband, as I never wanted to cheat on my husband. At the time I told him, my husband did not have a problem with the affair. But after we got married he did. Now he wants to meet the guy. What should I do?
I know, he acted like he was fine with the whole thing until after you got married. The whole thing sunk in. Now he wants to see the man who you were willing to jeopardize your relationship for. That’s of course, not a good idea. And meeting the man solves nothing and is guaranteed to create more problems. Your husband will scrutinize the man for the traits you found so irresistible, hold a mirror to himself and come up short, feeling even more shitty about himself. Also, leaving affair-man alone is a good idea legally. Who knows, maybe he’d file a restraining order or freak out. Anyway, this is between you and your husband and the other man is really not the issue, to use a therapy cliche.
Honest, your confession is going to require some healing time for your husband. You’ll need to give him that and accept that he is hurt. He will have to decide how he handles that hurt. It’s easy when our emotions are running high to forget that all feelings calm with time. That all hurts eventually become dull aches and dull aches, scars. Right now this situation seems like it will never change, but it will. In fact, the situation, unwittingly, is offering you all another chance for even deeper intimacy. Ironically, learning how to heal from hurt inflicted by each other inside a relationship, is part of the deal. I know that wasn’t your intention, yet life has a way of offering up multiple lessons within each seemingly simple interaction. You and your husband will eventually come through the other side of this. When your husband feels jealous, you could point out that you chose him. As you go forward, if you’re not cherishing your relationship, talk about the problems with your husband before you take actions that hurt both of you. Take the high road, be mature and you will have less to forgive. I know.
Be well and take good care. Your answers? They are right in front of you and sometimes they will hurt but those are growing pains, embrace them.