My dearest Barack:
If you’d just go to couple’s therapy with me, I think we could work this out. But in case you won’t, busy running for president and all, I’ll just outline some of the bigger points we need to address:
A. I don’t like being called sweetie in front of millions of people. I can’t say why for sure, but it felt weird and your expression was more toothache than tender. And, I didn’t like Mittens knowing it was our anniversary, it’s like we have no privacy.
B. I’m just not feeling the love. I know you’re busy, but the contrast to how we were four years ago with how we are now… if we go on like this, well, divorce is imminent. You are a good man. A wonderful man, but you are not a fighter and sometimes we need to fight for what we believe. Do you even believe in us anymore?
C. Barack, I was in love with you. So in love that I cried for joy when you were elected and parted political ways with my mother over Hillary. All for the lust that fuels new love and then we got married — you, me and the majority of the rest of the country. Then you had to fix my credit problems. Nothing like money to sour a relationship. Those wars that you promised we’d get out of, not so easy it turned out… I accused you of pillow talk, sweet talking my pants right off. But, you know, I forgave you because relationships have to weather tough times.
D. And another thing, when you ferreted Bin Laden out, I turned away. Not because he wasn’t a bad guy, but I didn’t like the killing and bragging.
F. Also, I’d like more us time. More time to cuddle. I’m sick of compromising. But the drone attacks in Pakistan keep you away, even if just in your mind. You haven’t walked Bo once in the past year and Bill and Hillary are eclipsing us at the American-Royalty game. I really thought, in the words of Adele, we could’a had it all. But nobody does, right? I guess some people, the 1% elite like Romney but other than them…