When I went on maternity leave in 2003 when Jake was born, I didn’t think I was going to sever my job with iVillage where I had been an editor for four years. But as life happens, I made an entirely different choice and decided to stay at home with him while taking freelance work, figuring that a blend of the two is how I could celebrate my “having it all” moment. You know, balance my life. Take care of the baby and write while still making money.
The jobs slowly came in. There were a few long term projects that kept me busy. I could afford to hire sitters and hang out with my child. But what began to happen surprised me. Hustling for freelance jobs that didn’t always transpire (e.g., an editor of a major magazine asked me to form a pitch into a potential draft, into a second potential draft and then decided that she wasn’t all that interested in the story after all) took up so much of my time that I was left with very little time to do much else. Including write. I counted on Jake to take naps, which, you know, when you’re working, it isn’t so brilliant to bank on a toddler’s nap schedule.
After Elke was born, I had better time management and child care so that I could look for work and produce work–but the whole of it was exhausting. I wanted back in an office. I wanted a boss to tell me what to do. I wanted other adults to problem solve with. So I began the full time job search. Friends said all sorts of things:
“Reentry is hard.”
“Commuting sucks.”
“How are you going to figure out child care?”
“You’re going to miss your kids.”
What I found was that none of those issues really mattered! After nine years of not being in the work place, I found that I wasn’t all that hire-able. Okay, that’s not totally true. But even with my freelance writing resume (The New York Times, Salon, Huffington Post, Babble) there were plenty, plenty, plenty of writers who had/have a stronger pedigree than me. Plus, there were talented writers coming out of college who would take a position at a lower price. And writing positions? Oh, right. Those don’t really exist anymore. But I was–am–more than a writer. I’m an editor. A copy writer. A blogger. An essayist. I teach a blogging class. I had so much to offer. Didn’t I? Don’t I? Where were the jobs? Oh, right. They’re entry level now. I’d have to reprove myself. Learn new systems. New lingo.
Very quickly, I found myself in the weird middle-age hiring issue that I used to think only happened to old people and washed up mothers. What would I do with this place in my life?
NY Times Motherlode’s KJ Dell’Antonia discussed the going back-to-work dilemma in her column last week. She wrote about this as a transition–one many of us find ourselves in no matter what our position.
I’ve been there. I think most of us have. There is a moment, in any transition, when you are at the bottom of the next climb and the whole slog just looks impossible. My advice with respect to the slog is to find a way — any way — to enjoy it. If you’re a list maker, make the best lists you can and relish every check mark. Love interviewing? Relish every interview for itself. Get dressed every morning whether you’re going to work or not.
We all fall into ruts. With parenting. With our marriage. Career. When my full time job search kept coming up short, I pushed at what I was good at. Blogging. Here and other places. I’ve gotten new blogging gigs, writing about topics that I never thought I’d be covering (kids and technology). It feels good to take myself out of that comfortable place because it strengthens me as a person.
And though sure, I’ve second-guessed myself (Why did I leave my job? I’d be employed ad in a much better position if I hadn’t)–but who doesn’t second guess themselves over huge life changes? And when I’m done beating myself to a pulp over what could have been my career, I don’t look at my kids and think, Ohhh, I did it for youuuuuu.
No, sorry. I love, adore and would die for my kids, but I’m not that much of a martyr to realize that I’m not the only one who could assist in raising them. And anyway, too many studies show that stay-at-home mommying isn’t always the best choice for us and the kids.
Now I have to look at my life like this: whatever opportunities I was able to take not working in an official workplace has benefited me as a person, and has ultimately benefited my career.
Miriam Novogrodsky
October 23, 2012
i think one of the difficulties of staying at home and then making the transition back to work outside the home is this: the idea that being home “has ultimately benefited me as a person, and has ultimately benefited my career” is abstract to the hiring entity. Also, on a real level, we’re out of the game, the pace, the technology, what to wear to work, etc (okay, that’s one of my issues). no doubt that being home with kids is a growth experience and a boon to the artist’s work…creativity and madness being so closely related and all…BUT again, being out of the workplace for years just isn’t the best for getting a job — I’d hire you in a minute. xo
Hayley Krischer
October 23, 2012
Ah! The “what am I going to wear” dilemma is very real.
amy
October 23, 2012
So funny to see this post today. I had a dream last night that I went back to teaching at my old school. Not only was I starting at the bottom, working hard to prove myself all over again (which I expect and want to do), I had to spend my prep time as another teacher’s assistant. In the dream, this included picking up her dry cleaning! Hiya anxiety, how are ya? Yikes. I have another year before kindergarten begins so the job search will be upon me soon. I will try to relish the process.
Hayley Krischer
October 23, 2012
So odd about your dream. Isn’t the anxiety what often stops us from putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions like… Going back to work? Or even attempting that? Another idea is the mindset. You have to see it all as positive interaction- even if you’re just interviewing or volunteering bc you want to keep yourself sharp.
Attorney At Large
October 23, 2012
Oh, this is so familiar. The sanity/distance I got after the break in practice (I had severe burnout) makes me a much better lawyer and human being — just not an employable one, it seems. Time to blaze my own trail…
Hayley Krischer
October 23, 2012
Yep – got the burnout too. And the sanity/distance really does help to reinvent yourself, doesn’t it? Now it’s about making that new reality part of your life.
Allena
October 23, 2012
You would think that, as a freelance writer with some of the same clients as you under my belt, I’d be a little worried when reading this. But I’m not. And I’m not because I would never consider going back to the rat race. Maybe you’ve underlined that for me a bit. Here’s why:
Many of the writers I “speak” to online have much younger kids than I, and I cannot ascertain how old yours are, but I do tend to feel I have a place of some experience when it comes to OLDER kids and working at home.
Older kids need you MORE, not less. Yet the need is very, very different. Examples: One time I read a study that showed that the most cited time that teen pregnancies happen are between those magical no-one-in-the-house hours of 2-6pm. Maybe that’s an extreme and paranoia on my part, but consider the activities that kids need support with as they move into middle school ages- some schools don’t have bussing home after sports practices, etc.
However, as they move up and out of the house, think of all YOUR needs that are suddenly easier to meet. In going back and reading your post, I can tell you that toddler naps are replaced with 5-7 blissful hours of pure quiet for writing. Problem solving with adults is done over lunches with clients (so much easier to schedule!), conducting interviews in person meets some of the interaction needs, etc.
And some of these things have nothing to do with your children. In your magazine article example, you took work on spec. Some writers will eschew that practice at all costs. Making that choice is so much easier when you have other clients waiting in the wings. And the whole “pounding the pavement for your next client” definitely tends to slough off as you enter the middle and later years of your career. I rarely actively look for work nowadays.
I guess my point is to encourage you in this career, since it sounds like you’re ‘stuck’ in it for now, and to do so from the POV of someone with older kids/different situation up the road…
Hayley Krischer
October 23, 2012
My kids are 3 and 8 – yes, I’ve found it easier to juggle more now (even when I’m just trying to land a freelance job) that they’re at school until 3. I love hearing this from your POV and I greatly appreciate your encouragement. There is a flip side to this also which is that being in an office (while with some down sides as you mentioned) also seems to have that lovely boundary of “this is work” as opposed to my home as “work.” Although the grass is always greener.
Allena
October 24, 2012
Oh my god, yes, tell me ALL about that cause it’s pretty much my last thought as I go to sleep at night: “How COULD I spend the evening working and not making eye contact and loving on my kids all night? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” Yet, after school hours, dinner hours, I love those hours with them.
But yeah, once you have two independent kiddos on your hands- honeymoon period- bliss. Can’t speak for teens though (my girl is 12). Heard that’s a whole new ballgame